Ok here's one of my biggest pet peeves: Dumbasses that write product reviews. As a security guard, I have a lot of time to sit and browse the internet on my phone or the office and I must say, reading Amazon reviews is a hilarious time waster and also PEEVE INDUCER! I cannot believe how fucking stupid, ignorant, bitchy, prudish and completely shit-headed people can be!
There might be one tiny thing off about their product and the reviewer (if they can even call themselves that) will go completely nuts rambling on incoherently about god-knows-what. People will even review products that they DON'T EVEN OWN based purely on their own moral reservations and prejudices! Look up Bratz dolls.
Another thing is movie reviews. Amazon is an online STORE, that means you're reviewing the PRODUCT and not the actual MOVIE itself. If I'm looking at Spice Girls on Blu-ray, I don't need your complete synopsis of the plot, setting, conflict resolution, character development and all that other bullshit! If I wanted to read a review on the MOVIE, and if you wanted to to write about those things then there's other sites to do that, such as RottenTomatoes. If you want to throw in a word or two about what you did and didn't like about the movie/game/music then go ahead, but your review should first be on the product. Did it ship on time? Did it break easily? How is the quality? What are the features? Pros and cons? ANYTHING! If I'm looking at that movie to buy then chances are I already know those things and I already know what Ginger Spice's secret talent is (sucking dick).
Now some people may argue "Every one's entitled to their own opinion." No! No they're not! If your a complete dumb-fuck with your head up your ass and don't know how to write a good review, then your opinions are NOT entitled to you! You should take those thoughts, wrap them up in plastic wrap (and your head too while your at it) and tuck them away so they will never get out. Thinking clearly is obviously too dangerous for you.
Here's an example: For my birthday I got a sweet little iHome clock radio, so I got on Amazon and read some reviews. Here's the link for one. Ok anybody who's ever owned an Ipod will note the long hole at the bottom. This hole is what the similar looking long plug goes into when you plug it into a USB cord or docking device, such as a stereo. Have you ever used those little plastic docking adapters when you plug it into your computer? No? That's because it doesn't have to have it! Plug A fits into hole B, regardless of what your using! The insert is only to give it a more stable base so it won't get bent. Now this dumbshit (and some others) seem to think that without that thin piece of plastic, they suddenly don't work together! Oh my god! Poor thing couldn't even use his radio! Others with the same "problem" called customer support to complain, only to get hung up on several times. I wonder how that conversation could have gone:
"My ipod doesn't work on it! You lied!"
"Did you try plugging it in, sir?"
"Well...no. But it doesn't work! There's no plastic thing!"
"Ok, first go fuck yourself. Then try actually plugging it in. Call us back if you have anymore questions, thank you!"
Another guy wrote a HUGE "review" complaining how the latest SAW movie's unrated version only came out on blu-ray and not dvd. Bitching about how it's "corporate greed and pressure" to force people to convert to "expensive" blu-ray and now he's so upset that he's going to sell his entire unrated dvd Saw collection because he can't have the complete set. Waaaa! He then proceeds to bash the series that he's supposedly so committed to and in love with. Fucking moron! If you're an individual who refuses to keep up with technology (within reason) then you have no room to bitch and whine when all the newer better stuff is getting more attention than your old shitty stuff. BUT, that's a whole other peeved blog that i'll write later. Too bad that review has since been deleted, I would've liked to showcase it.
Other examples of complete idiocy
101 Dalmatians- Be sure to shelter your kids from this move! (and be sure to drink your Ovaltine)
Toy Story- This bible-thumper's ears bled after the word 'stupid' was used. NOT FOR CHILDREN!
So if you're going to write a review, be a GOOD reviewer! And for the sake of holy hell, if you're a dumbass then just don't do it! If you want to find the most retarded reviews you have to do it in a kinda round about way. Go to a product's review page and at the top there should be a box that says Search Customer Reviews and a checkbox to enable you to search all reviews. Then just type in whatever word a moron would use in a negative review such as offended, disgusting, nudity, profanity or inappropriate. Enjoy!
Now there are a lot of hilarious reviews out there meant to get a laugh out of people. Just google funny amazon reviews and you'll see some good ones.
Like this one, about a Bic pen.
Kidz Bop- One man's intimate encounter with the devil
I couldn't stop laughing when I read this one and this one about a gallon of milk, 128 fl oz.
So if you're writing funny reviews, by all means go ahead! The world needs more jokesters, and less dumbasses.
Kyle
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